What It's Actually Like Wearing Something My Grandma Gave Me

I've been trying to write this for like three weeks and I keep stopping because I don't know how to make it sound the way it feels.

My grandma gave me a necklace last Christmas. It's this pendant that transforms. Four hearts that combine into a lucky clover, magnetic, so the pieces click. Heart for love, clover for courage. You pick a side every morning.

That's the short version. The long version is that it completely changed my relationship with my grandma and I don't fully understand how.

I'll try though.

Before this necklace, Grammy and I had a routine. She'd send money for my birthday. I'd text "Thanks Grammy! 👍." She'd send a gift card for Christmas. I'd text "Love you Grammy! 🎄." And that was it until the next occasion.

I thought that was normal. I thought that's what grandmothers and granddaughters did once you got past the age where they could buy you toys.

It turns out Grammy thought she was disappearing. She told my mom that she felt like a notification I swiped past. My mom told me that months later and I felt sick because she was right. I was swiping past her. Not on purpose. I just didn't think about it.

Anyway. Christmas morning. She hands me this small box. I open it, I see the pendant, and she goes "try clicking the hearts together." So I press them and they click into a clover and then I separate them back into hearts and she looks so nervous. Like genuinely nervous. Like she's bracing for me to say "oh... thanks, Grammy" in that voice.

I didn't love it at first. I want to be honest about that. I thought it was kind of grandma-ish. I wore it to school the next day because she was coming over for dinner and I didn't want her to see me not wearing it.

But then I started clicking it.

Not on purpose. My hand would just go to it during class. I'd click the hearts together, separate them, click them back. My friend said I was doing it during our entire calc final without realising. It's like a fidget thing but it means something. Every time you choose hearts or clover you think about why, and that makes you think about the person who told you what each side means.

I started texting Grammy. Not big emotional texts. Just "clover today" or "hearts" with a photo. She always texts back. Always. She never asks what happened or makes it weird. She just says "I'm with you" or sends clover emojis or sometimes a voice note that I save and relisten to more than I'd ever admit.

(Grammy got ours from Hello Arlo if anyone wants to know — I put the link at the bottom)

My sister Mia is thirteen and she handles emotions by pretending they don't exist. She opened her pendant, put it on, said nothing. Classic Mia.

But my mom told me she whispers "Night Grammy" to it before bed. Every night. For seven months. She'd die if she knew I was writing this. Sorry Mia.

Chloe FaceTimes Grammy before dance recitals and holds the pendant up to the camera and goes "you're coming with me." Grammy cries. Every time. I keep telling her to prepare for it and she keeps not being prepared.

One thing that happened that I think about a lot.

Grammy gave us all ours on Christmas morning. But my cousin Lily was at her dad's house. She came over the next weekend and saw all four of us wearing them.

She didn't say anything. She just kept looking. Touching her neck where hers would be.

My aunt told Grammy that Lily cried on the drive home. Grammy overnighted one to her the next morning and apparently didn't sleep until she got the delivery confirmation.

I don't know why I'm including this except that it really happened and it's the thing I think about most when people ask about the necklace. Not the clicking part or the texting part. Lily's face when she didn't have one.

I should mention that I've worn this every day for seven months. Slept in it, showered in it, worn it through volleyball and rain and a very regrettable incident involving a go-kart.

Some people are gonna read this and think I'm selling something. I'm not. I'm seventeen and I wanted to write about it because nobody in my life fully gets why it matters and maybe someone on the internet will.

If you're a grandmother reading this, I just want you to know that your granddaughter isn't ignoring you. She just doesn't have anything from you that makes it easy to show up. Give her something she can reach for. She will. I promise she will.

If you're a granddaughter reading this, send it to your grandmother. She won't think it's weird. She'll probably cry. And then she'll figure it out.

I asked her once if she was nervous giving them to us. She said: "I was terrified. I thought you'd open it and wish I'd just sent money."

Grammy. Come on. It's from you. That's all that matters.

It's not ugly though. Just so we're clear. It does this cool clicky thing and yeah. She did good.

She did really good.

Ok so this post got shared way more than I expected and I guess Hello Arlo noticed because they emailed me asking if I wanted a discount code for people reading this.

I don't get anything from it, they just said they'd do a better price since so many people were asking. I don't know how long they're keeping it up so if it's gone by the time you read this, sorry.

They sent me a few different options depending on how many you need. Grammy bought four at once and she was right. I already told you what happened with Lily. Don't do that to yourself.

These are the options they gave me: